Those of you who know me well will probably be able to figure out who this song by Kelly Clarkson reminds me of in my own life. Now, I do want to say that I'm certainly not ashamed of things that made me who am. And, my life in no way feels empty, I have a loving husband and beautiful baby, but the rest of it is pretty right on. That's all for now folks.
I will not make The same mistakes that you did I will not let myself Cause my heart so much misery I will not break The way you did, you fell so hard I've learned the hard way To never let it get that far
Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt Because of youI find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me Because of you I am afraid
I lose my way And it's not too long before you point it out I cannot cry Because I know that's weakness in your eyes I'm forced to fake A smile, a laugh, every day of my life My heart can't possibly break When it wasn't even whole to start with I watched you die I heard you cry every night in your sleep I was so young You should have known better than to lean on me You never thought of anyone else You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night For the same damn thing Because of you Because of you Because of you I am afraid
Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt Because of you I try my hardest just to forget everything Because of you I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty Because of you I am afraid Because of you
This morning I discovered a tragedy. The batteries in Grady's baby swing had died. SO???? You say... Well let me explain my son to you. This child is a creature of habit. He does things in the exact same order every day. We wake up, he eats, we go for a walk, we come back. I take a shower while he plays in his exersaucer and then he zonks out in his swing for 45 minutes. This is when I discovered the damn swing was broken. "Well", I thought, " I'll just lay him in his crib he sleeps there at night just fine". This is when Grady began laughing demonically and yelling "WRONG, MOMMY. YOU WISH" I laid him down and quietly walked away. He slept for 15 minutes and was up crying. Well, I thought it would be ok, until he cried for 20 minutes straight. Every time I attempted to put him down anywhere, he turned up the decibels another notch. This scene has repeated itself three times already today. The last time I tried singing. I wrapped up my showstopping rendition of "Lullaby of Broadway" which he seemed to like ok, and moved onto "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot". Well, they say babies can't really understand what we are saying to them. Whoever "they" are, "they" are wrong. The second I sang the word "Swing", Grady started to wail again.He knew his chariot was out of commission, and did not want to hear about anyone else's. So I stopped and tried "Baby Mine". Alas, I was too late. All hell had already broken loose. I was considering calling Chris to leave his job to pick up batteries and get home ASAP, and then Grady just plum wore out. He has now been asleep for 25 minutes which is our record for today. Now, you may be asking why I did not just go pick up some batteries at the store and solve my dilemma. Well two reasons. Number one, they (yes, "they" again) say not to let your baby get dependent on the swing for naps or it will be hard to break them of it (insert shocked and sarcastic"No" here).So I figured today is breaking day. And number two, putting Grady in the carseat results in all of the wailing and nashing of teeth I have just described, times 10, so I just had to pick my battle for today.
1. I ate popcorn for breakfast yesterday. 2. I am so glad the weather has finally broken, even though I am now freezing in the 68 degree mildness. This place gets in your blood faster than you think. 3. I swore I was going to the gym last night, instead I ate a cupcake. 4. I just saw a preview on TV for the new Harry Potter movie and I am all excited to go. 5. I have not stayed up past 10 pm for almost a full year now. Between pregnancy and the baby, I am dying to go to bed by 6. 6. I admit I let my son watch Baby Einstein while I get things done. He also watches the Today show every morning, so he may grow up with a strange obsession for Katie Couric. 7. I am going to my sister-in-laws for board game night on Saturday, I am stoked to hang out with adults. If I can stay up, that is. 8. There is a couple in our apartment complex that walks their cat on a leash. If I tried this I would have my eyes scratched out, and it wouldn't be so much walking the cat as dragging it. 9. I really like Peanut butter and banana sandwiches 10. When I was 5, I got in trouble for calling 911 to wish them a Merry Christmas. Apparently, they frown on childhood holiday cheer.
Well, that's all for now, I thought I should blog something.
11. The spell check on this thing does not recognize the word "blog" ...ironic???
Back when I was in high school, Disney remade the movie "The Parent Trap." The original starred Hayley Mills, and the remake featured a then brand new little starlet, Lindsay Lohan. I am ashamed to admit that I was a big fan of the original, and even more ashamed to admit that I was also a big fan of the remake. I know the movie was certainly not targeted at high school juniors, but while other kids in my class were out drinking and partying, my best friend Angie and I were spending one Saturday night having a sleepover and watching "The Parent Trap." Yes, I was innocent, so sue me. I was also in theater, and semi-popular. Really the only kids who didn't talk to me were the really popular ones, but that may have been because they were too concerned with sleeping with each other to even make fun of my little-girl sleepovers. Anyway, back in the day I thought Lindsay Lohan was a real cutie-pie 11 year old who pulled off a surprisingly accurate British accent. Now...well she's running into cars all over LA and really needs to eat a pop-tart or something...anything really. She also falls into the pack of teenage and early 20 something starlets who dress like ho's. Apparently these girls do not see the 9 year olds I see. Kids want to emulate them, and I'm sorry, but a Paris Hilton skirt is just not appropriate for a 9-year-old (or a 34 year old, for that matter, but those ladies should know better). I really hope that if I ever have a daughter this trend will be over. I guess I'll have to show the original "Parent Trap" in my house 'cause you can be darn sure you're not gonna catch Hayley Mills in a see through blouse and sequined thong.
There are several women in my husband's office who are pregnant or have recently had babies. One of them had twins, and another had a little girl a few weeks after I had Grady. This woman finds it necessary to discuss the details of her pregnancy and delivery with my husband to find out if her experience is similar to mine. He feels slightly uncomfortable every time she approaches him with a question, and it leaves us both wondering why she doesn't simply talk to the other ladies in the office about delicate matters such as her cervix. Granted, my husband has just gone through it with me, and he is less uncomfortable than most other men would be, but that is still no excuse for what happened the other day. This woman asked my husband if I had bad stretch marks (I do), when he stammered out "well, she has some, I don't know how bad they are in comparison to other people..." she lifted up her shirt to show him hers, asking "are they as bad as this?" Back up lady.... if someone had seen that they could have misinterpreted the situation and my husband could have been in real trouble. Now, the other woman in his office just had twins...I am sure she has some stretch mark specimens to compare. Why the surprise attack on my husband? Am I wrong to want to go to his office and tell this chick that if she wants to see my stretch marks, to call me up, but please leave her midriff covered at work? Of course, I am not going to do that, but apparently she never got the manual on appropriate work discussions.
Sometimes during my morning walks around the lake with Grady I meet up with a couple of other ladies and walk with them (on a side note, their babies names are Jackson and Jillian...Jack and Jill...it makes me giggle). The other day I was out walking and I saw one of them. We began a conversation and she mentioned how much she despises her in-laws. I know this is a common problem in most families, the wife and the mother-in-law fight constantly. I did not want to make her feel too bad, so I didn't really mention that I really like my own in-laws. They are a really fun and caring family. Joking with each other is not met with pouting or anger, these are people who know they love each other, so a joke here and there is no big deal. I have had to get used to that, since in my own family that's not exactly the way it works. I love it. They are generous and kind as well. When I was in a car accident a few months back (7 months pregnant), they were there lickity split and sat in the waiting room with my parents for much longer than anyone would have expected. I know they were worried about their grandchild, but they were genuinely worried about me too. I am beginning to realize that I seriously lucked out. I love having a sister-in-law too. She is planning on moving into an apartment across the street from our new house, and made sure it was ok with me first. Not only is it ok. I am secretly excited. Now, she does occasionally check my blog, so I guess it's not so much of a secret, but I am trying to write without censoring my work so you can see the full extent of my thoughts ( as well as my talent...or lack thereof). Anyway, the point is, I truly like them all and I feel pretty lucky to feel that way. Now I have to go help little Jack and Jill fetch that pail of water...honestly, someone could get hurt.
A collection of thoughts, stories and pictures that come from the ins and outs of raising a toddler, going to nursing school and having a "little different" way of viewing the world.
I am a professional photographer based out of Tampa Florida. I work mostly on location, although I can do studio work as well. Please visit my website at http://courtneyvickersphotography.com for more information.
