Karma Wand

I have recently come to the conclusion that mothers, upon the birth of their first child, should receive a special gift. Yes, flowers are nice, but not very useful in the long run. Chocolate is good, but in 4 months when mommy hasn't lost all the baby weight, she's going to be cursing the person who bought her the Whitman's Sampler. Believe me. So what should they get? A wand. A Karma wand. It's sole purpose would be to distribute karma, good or bad, upon people that mothers come in contact with on a day to day basis. It could not be used on their children, because that could backfire. It would be intended for strangers only. Now that is something that would be worth it's weight in gold. Instead of getting upset, mad, or breaking into a fit of post-partum tears, the recipient of bad behavior could just smile, point her invisible wand, and walk away knowing good would prevail. Here are a few of the uses MY karma wand would have had under it's belt over the past year.

For the balding man who pulled his mustang into the "expectant and new mothers" spot at the mall while we (me and my 3 week old baby) were driving up the aisle from the other way... BAM....a strange medical condition that makes his body think it is a nine month pregnant woman.

To the group of pre-teenagers outside Target who found it really funny to throw their chewing gum outside the front door and see how many people would step on it on the way to their cars...BAM...suddenly their ipods only play Rod Stewart and Enya, and their cell phones only work to call "home" and "dad cell".

Aimed at the business man who clearly saw me heading for the door of the restroom at Starbucks, diaper and baby in hand, and rushed in first...Ka-Zam...he trips on the way to the car and spills his Latte down the front of his expensive suit, forcing him to go to a meeting looking like he wet his pants.

For the college guy at Chipotle who suggested out loud to his buddy that I just sit down and relax instead of hovering near the counter waiting for my hungry baby's cheese quesadilla...Sha-Bam...sextuplets will be born a few years down the road. His buddy gets triplets just for giggling at him, and two of them he'll suspect aren't his but will never be quite sure. (I was mad that day).

To the 40 year old mother of a teenager on the airplane in front of me who suggested drugging my child to sleep on the next flight, because that's what she used to do (he had cried for a total of 2 minutes)...BAM...in her elderly years, the daughter will become her caregiver and slip a little extra valium into her nightly pill cocktail, "just to keep mom calm".

and last but certainly not least...

To the swim instructor who recently told me " if you dropped Jesus Christ in a pool, he would cry too...your son is normal"(I am not even sure what that statement was supposed to mean)...ALAKAZAM...Jesus returns, walks the guy into the middle of the pacific, hands him a toothpick, and says "good luck".